All In My Head?

I don't know what it is, but my heart has been racing every time I try to do something calm for almost the entirety of the day. I hate when this happens, because my body is telling me that there's something wrong when I know there isn't. Additionally, a racing heart means an inability to fully calm down ("You can't sleep--you're in danger!"), and therefore, insomnia.

So now I come to the usual dilemma: Lie in bed for an hour and try to calm down, fighting off ridiculous anxieties and fears, or get up and type in blog (check) and see if anyone else is still awake to hang out with. Matt has someone over (Sam, maybe?), but I'm not sure I want to hang out. Plus, staying up rarely makes me tired unless I do it for a few hours, by which time I've ensured that I won't get enough sleep and I'll be exhausted tomorrow. I'll probably end up staying up for a little bit to see if anyone is online. It's so hard to resign myself to lying in bed in silence. I can't listen to music or an audiobook when I'm in this state because I'll listen to it for hours without getting any sleepier. My attention span cannot be exhausted when I'm like this.

It has me a bit worried because I've been like this for maybe two weeks now, off and on, but mostly on. My sleep schedule has been off--maybe I'm fighting off the illness that's going around campus or something. I've been having vivid dreams every night for about that time period as well. Usually I get a week of vivid dreams at a time every now and then, and then they subside. This is the longest that kind of streak has run, in my recent memory at least. I worry that it's a sign that whatever anxiety disorder/abnormality I have is getting worse. I feel like a manic-depressive person without the depression. I just have normal and manic, and then the mania turns to neediness, loneliness, and paranoia. So I don't think I really get depressive spells, just "funks," where I'm down because I'm coming off being up. If that makes any sense.

I wish this blog were more entertaining. I just only seem to remember to write in it when I can't sleep.