Midnight Ramblings

I don't know if I have insomnia or if I just don't want to sleep. I've been sort of manic (I dunno if I should use that word because I'm not sure if I'm actually manic-depressive or just have some sort of anxiety disorder that has depression attached, but I suppose for all intents and purposes it's like mania) for the past few days, and now I'm crashing. Not a really hard crash, but still, it's annoying. At least I don't have class tomorrow.

It's probably because it's senior year and I had to register for the GRE and everything, but I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Mostly about jobs, school, marriage even. I mean I don't intend to get married for a while, but it's still the next major thing on the horizon that's not school-related. Kids come to mind every now and then, but are usually easily dismissed. If my biological clock is ticking, it's doing so very quietly.

I suppose things just feel like they're coming to a close. There's a certain sense of resolution approaching like the kind you feel when you're almost at the end of a book. The story's not over, per se, but this volume of it soon will be. Everyone is 21 or soon will be, so the final stage of adulthood as far as the law is concerned has been achieved. Friends are deciding on grad programs or jobs and seriously thinking about specific careers. I'm not afraid of growing up; in fact, some part of me can't wait to take on the challenges of true adulthood. But yet, it's hard to fully comprehend the fact that I will never be living under the same roof as these people again, never living on this campus (unless I work for this school), etc. I suppose everyone feels this way at this time. Part of me still doesn't comprehend the fact that I'll never be in London with the people I was there with again. I may never see my host family again. Hell, I may never return to London, though I intend to.

These thoughts are always there, but at times they rush at my consciousness all at once so that I become a (trite simile) deer in the headlights, frozen in the face of so many possibilities.

All for now. Sleep will come soon.