This Man Has Just Sold Me on University of Oregon

I've been rethinking my future plans and considering looking beyond Washington for Graduate School. Knowing that Mita (favorite prof) got her PhD at University of Oregon, I thought I'd check out their programs. Not only do both their English Literature and Creative Writing programs sound amazing, but there's also a really good chance that both Trevor and I would be able to get tuition waivers and stipends that would make it possible for us not to have to work (except as TAs) all the way through Grad School, which would be a dream come true.

U of O was already beginning to sound pretty great when I stumbled upon the course listings for next Fall. I'm basically sold on U of O based on this class synopsis, and am determined to take a course from this professor if I do end up going to U of O:

"ENGL 579: Top C. Dickens. Stein, Richard.
Is Dickens the greatest Victorian novelist or the greatest novelist of all time? After 4-5 novels, you can decide for yourself. We'll read, we'll write, we'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll speak in Cockney accents. Some films may be shown. Tea will not be served."

I have never met this professor, yet I already love him.

"I'm All Alone (He's All Alone) I'm All Alone (Except For Me)"

Wren, Matt, and Sarah all went to Friday Harbor Labs for a three-day Biology lab field trip this weekend, which would have left Daryl and me alone at the house. However, Daryl had a swim meet in Spokane and then went to Sean's, so it was going to be just me in the house Friday-Sunday afternoon. Unhappy at that prospect, I invited Trevor to come keep me company. He was busy tonight, but he was here last night and this morning.

Eating Taco Bell for dinner and watching TV before work and seeing "Dan in Real Life" after it made work bearable yesterday, and having Denny's for breakfast this morning before work made today's shift good as well. "Dan in Real Life" is an amazing film and Steve Carrel's performance blew me away. It was really incredible and I'd highly recommend it. Getting to eat out twice saved me points at the SUB (which I'm running low on) and gave me a reprieve from my dissatisfaction with SUB food of late. All-in-all, it was an excellent twenty hours.

Since I've come home from work this evening I've been all alone (except for the six rats, of course) in the house, and it's very strange. I had soup for dinner and now I'll probably try to finish some reading before kicking back in front of the TV for the remainder of the evening. I can't imagine living alone, though I imagine it's easier in an apartment made for one person than in a good-sized house like this. I admire Trevor's fortitude in that respect.

Fall Break, in Name, not in Fact

It's the third day of my four days of Fall Break down in Olympia, and I've spent most of the break doing my 400+ pages of reading and working on my midterm (due Wednesday at 5:00). I'm glad I came down here, because it's been really nice to spend the time with Trevor, but I'm just aghast at all of the homework! At least this week will be short: only one day of class for me. But then I've got basically a month of not being able to come to Olympia to look forward to (I have a ton of shows to work every weekend until Thanksgiving). I'll survive--I suppose it's all part of being a Senior.

On the positive side: writing a paper with my 20" widescreen monitor on vertical orientation is amazing.

Hooray for Heroes tonight!

Note to self:

Do not take Lorazepam if you want to get anything done at all during your day besides marvel at how comfortable it is to curl up in your blanket and watch TV for hours on end.

Diagnosis

The CHWS shrink thinks that my General Anxiety Disorder is probably caused by a serotonin imbalance, so she's prescribed me something called Celexa (citalopram HBr), which is a "selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor" antidepressant. It's similar to Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, etc, but has far fewer side effects. Basically, it makes my brain give me more serotonin. Apparently it should help because when people are anxious or depressed, their brains have lower levels of serotonin than usual. The plan is to keep me on Celexa for five or six months, then wean me off around spring break and see how I do. I may need to periodically go on and off of the meds throughout my life depending on how bad the serotonin imbalance is (if that is in fact the problem).

Because it takes several weeks to feel the full effects of the meds, they've also given me a prescription for Lorazepam, which is an anti-anxiety medication that you take as needed. The hope is that it'll help kick me out of this three-week anxiety spree I've been having and allow me to function like a normal human being again until the long-term meds kick in. I can also use it as an emergency anti-anxiety solution in addition to the regular meds if I'm having a particularly anxious day or week. It can be habit-forming, so I'm not supposed to take it except when I need to.

Lastly, as a very short term fix, she gave me a sample of Ambien CR to help me get a night or two of quality sleep, which also might help kick me out of my current anxious episode.

Hopefully all of this works out. I'm going to endeavor to be optimistic because if this works, it could really improve my general quality of life simply because I can be relaxed and take things one at a time. In a best case scenario, it may solve my anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, and depressive episodes in one fell swoop. If not, I hope that at the very least I can take care of the anxiety and the insomnia.

Wish me luck!

Finally

I'm officially a Washington state resident!

I have a stupid temporary license for now, but soon I'll have my real license and voter's registration card, and then after my 21st birthday I can pay $10 to get the horizontal over-21 license if the vertical under-21 one is pissing me off. Woo!

In-state tuition for grad school, here I come!

Please...

...can I have my meds now?

"Psychotherapy, psychotherapy, psychotherapy that's what they wanna give me..."

As evidenced by the creation of and postings in this blog of late, my anxiety problems have reached an all-time high. After having realized that I haven't had an anxiety-free day and have been having nightmares and problems falling asleep for over two weeks, I decided it was time to return to the psychologist I saw a little under two years ago at CHWS (Campus Health and Wellness Services).

After speaking to me for a few minutes, it was clear to the psychologist that my anxiety problems have indeed gotten much worse, and though I've been handling them quite well, there's no change of them ever improving without medication. In fact, without medication, there's a significant chance that the General Anxiety Disorder I have could easily turn into an anxious depressive disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a panic disorder, or something equally destructive. She thinks starting an anxiety medication would greatly improve my quality of life with few or no side effects, so that pretty much sold me. I'm hesitant about becoming regularly medicated, but the alternatives are frightening and it really has been exhausting dealing with all of this crap when for all intents and purposes everything in my life is going great and there's nothing to be anxious about.

That being said, I've been referred to a psychiatrist (can prescribe meds, whereas psychologist cannot) for a medical evaluation ten days from now. I wish it were sooner, but there's only so much you can do when you get free psychiatric care from your school. If this psychiatrist agrees with my psychologist, I'll probably begin medication within the next month. I'm hoping it'll work as well as my psychologist seems to think it will, and that maybe by my birthday I'll be a significantly more well-adjusted person, though possibly slightly less interesting.

I want to live here during Grad school...

http://www.radfordcourt.com/apartment.htm
http://www.radfordcourt.com/floorplan_pdf/radford_1bed_nookloft.pdf

Lofts and study nooks! I'm so happy! It's the perfect solution to needing more room but not wanting to get a two-bedroom apartment!

Dude. Included: double-sink, washer and dryer, dishwasher, full bath, study nook, walk-in-closet, dining room, loft, parking space... Hooray!

Why am I thinking about things that are three years in the future?

One of these days I'll get back on a normal sleep schedule...

I should really sleep. I'm not afraid to sleep, I just can't seem to exhaust myself at nighttime. I shouldn't have napped today. But I stayed up too late talking to Trevor last night.

Had a wonderful weekend in Olympia. I love Comic House, and I'm going to miss it and my friends dearly after graduation, but there's something that feels very "right" about being in that apartment with Trevor. It's very full of comforts and possibilities and an optimistic uncertainty about the future. I don't really know how to explain it, but I hope I'll be able to spend a few happy years there.

Not really sure what the point of this post was. I really should sleep.