Spinning My Wheels

So much has happened since Jinx died I don't really know where to begin. I guess that was nearly a month ago now. I guess I'll just try to go down the list and flesh things out:

Rats
We got two new baby boy rats and they're both adorable. They're about eight or nine weeks old now (we got them when they were about seven weeks old) and still pretty small, but growing every day. They don't have names yet (see below) but one's a standard coat, dumbo eared, red-eyed, Russian Blue-point Siamese, and the other one is a Rex coat, dumbo-eared, black-eyed Lilac. Both are fairly rare colors and both are going to be beautiful when they're older. Right now they're just cute.

Unfortunately, just after we got them we noticed that Yo-Yo and Vesper both had a respiratory infection, and gave it to the new babies. I took them all in right away and they got antibiotics, etc, and should be fine now. They're currently at Wren's (see below) and have a follow-up appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Health
Meanwhile, Trevor went on a four-day field trip to Longview right before I went on a two-day trip to Portland to see friends and pick up the rats. He got back and was pretty sick, but doing well enough that I was fine with leaving him at home for two nights. He called me Saturday night to tell me that his doctor had diagnosed him with H1N1 (Swine Flu). He was told to stay home and rest, treat symptoms, and go to the hospital if he had trouble breathing or suddenly got better and then worse.

We both stayed home all week because I was contagious (I'd already given it to Wren without having symptoms and without her being around Trevor directly) and he ended up having a fever of around 103 degrees before his mother finally took him to the hospital on Thursday morning. I had stayed at Wren's the night before and sent him to his mom's house because I was beginning to show symptoms and couldn't take care of him while taking care of myself. He was too weak to do much more than sleep and hobble to the bathroom or from the couch to the bed, etc.

I saw him at the hospital on Thursday and he was doing okay, but then that night they put him into the ICU and have kept him unconscious ever since. What happened was that he got very severe pneumonia as a complication of the virus (opportunistic bacteria had moved into his compromised lungs). For the first day they had him unconscious, paralyzed, and on the ventilator with 100% oxygen. Now they've been able to take the oxygen down to around 70% last time I heard, have taken him off the paralytic, and have been able to move him a bit (the first day his vitals crashed when they tried to move him).

I don't really know how long they'll be keeping him unconscious or on the ventilator (or whether he'll have to be unconscious as long as he's on the ventilator or if he'll eventually get used to it and stop fighting it when he's awake). It's been a little over five days now since they put him under. I saw him the other day, and of course he looked absolutely terrible. Three IVs (a central line to his heart and one in each arm) along with the ventilator, meds, glucose/vitamins, and all sorts of monitors. They took out his lip ring, which for some reason really saddened me. Like the last sign of his personality being stripped away after his clothes and personality. We'll probably have to get it re-pierced because I think he'll want to, but his mom said she'd pay for that if he does. It's not a big deal right now. He's also going to lose a ton of weight, so we'll have to find a way to put some healthy weight back on him and build up some muscle tone slowly. Poor guy. At least he'll be svelt for the wedding like he wanted and we can buy him new clothes once he evens out.

I've been told that he'll probably be in the hospital for 4-6 weeks, all told. There will be a lot of arrangements to work out with his school and his teachers, and apperwork to sign to get financial assistance from the hospital (his bills will be around $150,000 but because of his financial situation he may qualify for a 100% waiver, which would be a miracle).

Luckily I have his e-mail info and password, and all of the information he needs for grad school apps and access to them. That means I can do a lot for him while he's out and that will also help keep me busy in a helpful way rather than escaping.

My mom is staying for the week to help get me used to being at home again (I was at Wren's Wednesday night through Sunday night because I didn't want to go home until I had to work. I even brought the rats with me.). She's been buying groceries and household supplies and such for me as well as meals out, and has been doing a lot of chores (cleaning, laundry, etc) around the house so that I can relax in the evening. It's been helpful and comforting, and of course just having her there makes it a bit easier. It'll be strange when she's gone and I'll have to be in the apartment during the work week and may be alone for at least a few of the evenings each week.

I'm keeping a journal for Trevor of everything that's happening while he's unconscious. I hope that it will help him deal with the strangeness of losing a few weeks of his life like that. But mostly it's for me right now, as it gives me a way to focus my thoughts about what's going on and it also makes me feel as if I'm talking to him in some form. The distance between consciousness and unconsciousness seems wider than that between London and Washington, and I've never felt more separated from him than I do now. Hopefully they'll wake him up soon. Even if he's still on the ventilator and can't talk yet, I'll be able to talk at him and know he can hear me and listen and respond in some way.

Grad School
I missed the GRE Subject Test. I still feel awful and embarrassed about it. I somehow misjudged when I needed to leave the house because I had had trouble sleeping all week. So that was an automatic $130 loss. And then it was past the registration deadline for November (the last test date I can take to get it in on time for my application deadlines). So the deal is, I have to show up at UPS next Saturday morning and see if they have space and materials for me to take the test. If they do, I pay a new $130 fee PLUS a $50 standby fee (highway robbery!) and I can take it. I don't think I'll be studying much. I'll just go and take it, and I'm going to try to find a way to only send the scores to NYU and U of Michigan at first (the only of my schools that require it). Worst case scenario: I don't get in to take the test and I can't apply to NYU or Michigan. I don't care about those schools much except that Trevor wouldn't be able to apply to Michigan, which is one of his favorites. But I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes.

NaNoWriMo starts on Sunday. I can't participate this year because of grad school applications, but Wren's going to, so I'm going to hang out with her for a lot of the time she's working on her NaNo project but instead I'll be working on graduate school applications, personal statements, ordering transcripts, and editing my writing sample. I think that's a good idea that will really motivate me to make progress in November so we'll be in good shape during those crucial two weeks of December when most of the applications during which most of the applications will need to be finished up. Plus it'll keep me busy while Trevor's in the hospital, conscious or not.


Whew! At least in spite of everything I feel about as in control and as happy as I can considering the circumstances. Having the normal work routine helps, as does having a huge and wonderful support group. I know that we'll get through this, though it'll take time.

In Memoriam

Jinx ("Hijinx")

January 25, 2008 - October 1, 2009

I wish that I could say that I was surprised to see you go, sweetie. A year and eight months seems too short a life for such a wonderful rat. In a way we were both glad that you were hurt in the end, because it gave us so much time with you. We got to see how much you loved us, and depended on us for comfort, and how sweet you were toward the end. We hope that what hurt you was a sign of something that we could do nothing about, rather than the cause of your demise. We hope that you didn't suffer too much, and that when you did we were able to help in some way. We hope we're not just imagining that it looked like your brother and sister were sleeping beside you when you went, and I think you would've been glad to know that even though sometimes they bullied you, how upset they were was how I knew you were gone. If there was something we could've done, then we're both profoundly sorry. It's hard to imagine for other people, I'm sure, that we could love something so small and so short-lived so much. We hope that if Rat Heaven exists, you're in your cube eating yogies and strawberry-flavored whipped yogurt. If not, we at least hope that your time here was happy and comfortable. I'm sure your little rat heart, which was meek and affectionate but which was never burdened by the thought that every living thing must die, could never have fathomed how much we miss you.