New Year's Resolutions

1. Minimize need for Lorazepam
2. Get a real job
3. Don't succumb to Senioritis
4. Figure out what to do with life
5. Minimize financial reliance on parents
6. Play video games MUCH more
   

I'm So Smug Right Now

Mom: "Did you show Aunt Mirt your icon*?"
Mirt: "She got an icon?"
Mom: "Yeah, she got Jesus for Christmas."
Me: "I get Jesus for Christmas every year."


*My icon is a small reproduction of a Byzantine gold-leaf icon of Jesus.

Year In Review (stolen from Brandon)

1. Was 2007 a good year for you?
Probably the best ever. A third of it was spent in London, a third in Olympia working for an amazing boss, and a third at UPS taking three amazing classes. I was very busy, but very happy, and felt capable to deal with most of what was thrown at me. Made lots of new friends and became closer with the old ones.

2. What was your favorite moment(s) of the year?
Every day in London, moving into the new apartment downtown, bringing the girls (baby rats) home, being at the hospital with Wren (weird, huh?).

3. What was your least favorite moment(s) of the year?
Getting to my host family's house in London, being sick, dealing with my sister's girlfriend, worrying that Wren had kidney failure, ST being sick, Neo dying, not being able to sleep on my own.

4. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Lived in a foreign country, went to Scotland, went to Ireland, drank in a pub/bar, not only ate, but learned how to make trifle, lived downtown, cut my hair really short, buried a pet on school property, took psych medication, took three upper-division English courses at the same time, only had class two times a week, wrote a paper on something that's never been written about before, cried in a movie theater (Brandon and I both did that this year apparently).

5. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any as far as I remember.

6. Where were you when 2007 began?
On the balcony of my parents' condo in Honolulu watching the fireworks.

7. Who were you with?
My family, Alex, and some of my parents' friends.

8. Where will you be when 2007 ends?
On the balcony of my parents' condo in Honolulu watching the fireworks.

9. Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
My family, hopefully Alex, my aunt and two of my cousins, and possibly some of my parents' friends.

10. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin's girlfriend. I've never met her, but I suppose I'm significantly close to him.

11. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
Neo, though I would have liked to have been closer to him.

12. Who did you miss?
I missed everyone at home when I was in London, I missed everyone in London when I came home.

13. Who was the best new person you met in 2007?
It's hard to choose between everyone I met on the London trip, but Lisa comes to mind.

14. What was your favorite month of 2007?
Maybe March or April, once I'd been in London for a month or two but before I had to go.

15. Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
Indeed I did. To England, Scotland, Ireland, France, and Canada.

16. How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
Washington, Hawaii, Oregon, Minnesota... Four?

17. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Uhh... I have no idea. An engagement ring? That thought is a little scary. How about a full time job in Olympia?

18. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day I arrived in London (February 5?) because it was so traumatic and so wonderful all at the same time and my poor host mother's cat died.

19. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being almost completely independent in a foreign country.

20. What was your biggest failure?
Missing my stupid plane to stupid Hawaii.

21. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a nasty UTI and had a cold every now and then, but other than that it was a pretty healthy year if you don't count my General Anxiety Disorder.

22. What was the best thing you bought?
My amazing shoes from York and my new laptop, both of which my parents helped pay for. As for things I bought myself, the coat I bought for only five pounds when I needed warmer clothing for Scotland. Everyone loves that thing.

23. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Trevor's because he was fine while I was gone, improved his situation by finding and moving into the new apartment, and kept himself motivated in school. Wren's because she was horribly ill and had no support from her family and yet managed to keep a good attitude most of the time. Mita's when she stayed in touch with both her classes even though her mother had just died.

24. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My sister's when she decided to study abroad with her girlfriend, Laura's every time she opened her mouth, Sarah's when all she thought about was herself, Tim's when he didn't understand why Wren was upset, Adam's when he didn't respect me because I wasn't hot enough, Emily's when she didn't appreciate Andy.

25. Where did most of your money go?
Food and theater in London, rent for Trevor.

26. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to London, being in London, moving into the new apartment, coming back to UPS.

27. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
The most I've ever drunk in a year by far because I could drink in London and there were lots of opportunities for social drinking, then I turned 21 in December.

28. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
I have never done drugs aside from caffeine and prescriptions.

29. How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
One. I hope he's the only person I'll ever sleep with.

30. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
There were some people in London that I could've been nicer too in the beginning, and I've always been pretty cold towards Laura and probably should've been nicer to my sister.

31. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Mostly just Adam.

32. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I am happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? I am ten pounds lighter apparently. Need to eat more fat.
iii. richer or poorer? And I am poorer because I had money saved up for London last year.

33. What do you wish you'd done more of in 2007?
Hung out with new friends, gamed, slept.

34. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Whined.

35. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I am continually falling in love with Trevor. Also I fell in love with the TV show "Scrubs."

36. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Scrubs, Heroes, House, Mythbusters.

37. What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
Horrible '80s music and "Bringing Sexy Back."

38. How many concerts did you see in 2007?
None. Sad!

39. Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
No, but a lot of favorite plays.

40. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Dresden Dolls maybe. Not really a huge year for musical discovery.

41. What was the best book you read?
The Time Traveler's Wife blew my mind. So did A Ring of Endless Light.

42. What was your favorite film of this year?
"Children of Men" and "Dan in Real Life."

43. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my 21st birthday, I relaxed around the house with Wren and watched movies. Most of my partying (going out to Kabuki for dinner, etc) was done later in the week.

44. What did you want and get?
A comforter, a Nintendo Crimson DS, money, and books.

45. What did you want and not get?
More time to celebrate.

46. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know. It was really an amazing year.

47. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
More jeans than last year, heavy on the footless leggings, more eyeliner and shorter hair.

48. What kept you sane?
Trevor, Wren, comfort movies, and the rats.

49. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmm... Sean Biggerstaff? I saw him in London and he was even hotter than he was in Harry Potter. I was also pretty enamored of Daniel Radcliffe just because I was so amazed with how grown up he is and how nice he is.

50. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Washington Gay Marriage bill being shot down or whatever. I was not happy. Also I get really angry about environmental stuff. And why isn't Obama beating Hilary?

51. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Try your very hardest to take things one day at a time.

52. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
By swaggering could I never thrive
For the rain it raineth every day.

Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
(Yes, it is a song. It has an official tune and it was sung to me.)

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Christmas was pretty great, apart from arriving a day late because I missed my flight and my parents had to pay $700 for the ticket rebooking and half of my books had severe water damage when my luggage arrived late (long story very short).

I finally received my birthday present from my parents since they couldn't mail it before. It's a beautiful small ruby ring with a simple white gold setting and a tiny diamond on either side of it. My dad bought it in Singapore, which is apparently his place to go for jewelry (he was there on sabbatical during my senior year of high school and went back recently for a conference). It's currently at a jeweler's being sized to fit my freakishly tiny fingers.

I got an amazing array of Christmas presents as well. My parents tricked me into believing that they hadn't been able to find a cross pendant I'd seen last year after Christmas, when in reality they had tracked down the jewelry artist (who apparently lives in Pennsylvania) and had a copy of the pendant made for me. It's just a simple cut-out flat silver cross (about an inch tall) but it has a fish etched into it. It just spoke to me for some reason and now I finally have a cross to wear on a regular basis.

Among the remainder of my presents were the final ElfQuest graphic novel that I didn't own (Book Eight: Kings of the Broken Wheel), Hugh Laurie's book (The Gunseller), the uber edition of Pride and Prejudice (the good/long one) on DVD, three amazing pairs of tights, etc, etc. Everyone loved the gifts I got them (my dad teared up when he saw that we'd donated to the Red Cross in my parents' names) and we didn't argue much at all. I really enjoyed it and didn't have a breakdown or anything.

Also we saw Charlie Wilson's War, which was very good. I'd highly recommend it.

And now I think I'm getting sick. Oh well.

My Toughest Semester of College is Over

If you need me, I'll be on the loveseat covered in a huge blanket eating panini (made by amazing housemate Wren) while watching Mythbusters until further notice.

"I'm-addicted-to-stress-that's-the-way-that-I-get-things-done"

Update:

• Contacts are now comfy and easy to get in and out. Yay!
• My new computer is amazing.
• I wrote a nine-page paper and a 14-page paper in three days.
• I'm writing a 15-page paper in one day.
• That last paper is due at 4:00 today.
• I currently have four pages.
• I can do it! (I hope)
• Five days till Christmas!
  

"Girl Eyes Tend to Hypnotize"

Today, at twenty-one years old, I wore my first pair of contact lenses. There was some mistaken line of thought while I was in high school that I couldn't get soft contact lenses because they would accelerate the degeneration of my vision, so I was told I could only have hard (gas permeable) contact lenses. After trying very unsuccessfully to get them in and out of my eyes (hard to do when having them in feels like a circular hole is being cut into your cornea with glass), I gave up and resigned myself to just having really cute glasses. I do have really cute glasses, but I figured that asking my new optometrist about soft contact lenses couldn't hurt since I was going in for a check-up and new glasses lenses anyway. He thought soft contacts were a great option for me, so long story short I now have soft contact lenses, and I'm in the process of getting used to them. I've already been told several times that I have very striking eyes--their effect must have been dulled by my distinctive glasses before. I don't think I'll wear the contacts every day, but it'll be great to have that option if I want to be cute or dressy or go swimming or if I have extra time to get ready in the morning. All-in-all, I'm pretty satisfied with this subtle change in my lifestyle.

Upgrading

After many trials and tribulations, I finally convinced my father that I need to get a new laptop as soon as possible because this one isn't going to last me through Graduation like we'd hoped. It's a great machine but it's over three and a half years old and it's not really upgradable so it's just time for a new one. Since I didn't want to risk some horrible crash ending in me losing all of my schoolwork, I decided to get one sooner than later. After much discussion of brands and specs with my dad (with help from the wonderful Tim), we finally agreed on and bought my new laptop--a Dell Vostro 1500. It's got a great processor, memory, graphics card (amazing for a laptop), display, and pretty much everything else I could want. We agreed that I'd pay about a third of the cost, which I can get to him over the course of the next two months or so. It's going to be a bit heavier than my current laptop, but I've decided to buy a lightweight laptop backpack as soon as I can afford it to help disperse the weight and encourage me to carry it around. The computer should arrive to the apartment in Olympia before I leave to go home for Christmas, and that would be ideal, but I'll survive either way. I can spend break installing and reorganizing and all that fun stuff. With any luck this computer will last me until I've been in grad school a couple of years. We'll see.

Also, Wren and Daryl took me out to the mall today to buy my birthday present from all of the housemates. We got this amazing comforter that's black microsuede on one side and tan striped on the other, and it comes with two pillows and a throw pillow of the same materials. I'll definitely have to look into getting some nice tan sheets to go with the whole ensemble. The comforter is a King so it'll be huge even on the Queen-sized bed in the apartment, but I think it'll look all right and it'll be comfy. Hopefully it'll last a long time and contribute to both Trevor's and my comfort. Thank you, housemates!

GRE: Mission Accomplished

The GRE is done and here's what I know so far:

VERBAL: 660
MATH: 540

Haven't gotten the essay scores back yet, obviously.

I survived! And then I stuffed myself full of omelet and french toast and half of a krispy kreme and bought a living mini Christmas tree and now I'm going to take a well-deserved nap.

In Memoriam

Our newest pet rat Neo (Neo "The One" Awesomesauce) died unexpectedly a few hours ago. He'd had what looked like a mild respiratory infection (the same thing S. T. had earlier and got better from) and we'd been treating him for it. He was still eating, drinking, and moving around. I checked on him earlier in the evening and he seemed sickly and unhappy, but still came to the cage door to greet me. I checked again a half hour later because I'm paranoid and constantly expect my pets to have stopped breathing, but unfortunately this time it had really happened. Poor Neo is gone, and we're all very upset because we expected to have him so much longer--he was one of the last rats we expected to die first. Just because he was small and cheap doesn't mean we didn't love him as much as any cat or dog. He was grumpy and dominant and a huge chewer and we loved him for it. We're decorating a small cardboard box to serve as a rat-sized coffin with pictures of all his favorite things and messages to him. We're trying to figure out where we can bury him or have him cremated as soon as possible.

Neo, we barely got a chance to know you, but I hope that you were happy with us. May you sleep peacefully in the great hammock in the sky.

The Last Great Hurdle

As of an hour and twenty minutes ago I'm officially twenty-one years old. That means I'm a full adult with all the privileges, finally! I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not having the traditional go-out-at-midnight-and-get-drunk birthday even though I can sleep in tomorrow. It just didn't seem like fun, especially in all this rain. There's a lot going on this week, so the festivities will probably be sort of drawn out. I got a gorgeous crimson Nintendo DS from Trevor, who spoils me, last week, and my sister gave me the trade paperback of the latest four-part storyarc from ElfQuest, which I've been meaning to buy, and A Miracle on 34th Street on DVD, which I unfortunately just bought last week, so I have to return. I won't be getting my present from my parents until I go home for Christmas because they "don't feel comfortable shipping it" (cryptic). The housemates and Trevor and I have plans to go to Kabuki (amazing Japanese restaurant) for dinner and midori sours either on Tuesday or Thursday, so that should be fun. Lastly, the housemates have agreed to buy me a new microfiber comforter and sheets, so we all get to go to JC Penny at some point and pick one out. Probably not this Saturday, though, because we have the GRE (eek!).

It's a little scary being twenty-one and knowing that there aren't really any more birthdays that people look forward to, but I feel that I'll enjoy it. I finally got a new phone with my cell phone bill in my name (had to have it in my dad's name before because I had no credit history), so I'm slowly cutting the parental ties and taking on more responsibility. I feel pretty capable and optimistic about the future, I just need to take these things one at a time (and get my 50 pages of final papers written in the next 2.5 weeks). Phew!

Results, at Long Last!

Wren's doctor is finally really listening! I haven't posted much about this because I've been so busy with it, but Wren's been really sick with mysterious abdominal pain, and some of the doctors haven't been as helpful as we liked. Finally after making her try the rice diet to no avail, her regular physician has decided that haste is necessary. A second after we left he must've called the gastreoentorologist's office and yelled at them about the fact that they were saying they couldn't see her again or schedule a colonoscopy until January. The result was that as soon as we got home, Wren got a phone call from the digestive specialists clinic saying that she was going to have her colonoscopy on Monday and that she needed to stop by today to pick up some preparatory paperwork and prescriptions. Finally, something is being done at the rate it should! Hopefully the tests will yield some results this time and give us a clue as to what's been going on for the last month.

Note to Self...

Ryan is a dirty liar!

You'd better make this up to me, you conniving evil genius!

Hello, Blogstalker!

Ryan, if you're reading this, I revamped my "About Me" section or whatever so you can memorize random information regarding my likes and dislikes. Also, I can't find your blog! http://www.blogosphere.com/rhill? Help!

Everyone Loves a Cat Hat

As I walked by a group of people today (two guys, one girl) in my huge fleecy fluffy leopard print cat hat on my way to the SUB the following conversation occurred:

1st Guy: "Hey, it's a cat! Catwoman, we love you!"
Me: "*giggle* ...Thank you?"
2nd Guy: "Damn, you're fine! I like your coat!"
Me: "Thanks! *more giggling and blushing and walking away*

Most of this occurred at yelling volume. It totally made my day.

Side-Effects

It's 5:00am and in spite of the fact that I took a lorazepam, I can't sleep. I'm just really dizzy, kind of nauseous, and really nervous. Probably the increased anxiety from upping my medication a few days ago, added to the fact that I had tea at dinnertime. I wish side-effects didn't make you worse in the transition period. I want the transition period to be over so badly.

This Man Has Just Sold Me on University of Oregon

I've been rethinking my future plans and considering looking beyond Washington for Graduate School. Knowing that Mita (favorite prof) got her PhD at University of Oregon, I thought I'd check out their programs. Not only do both their English Literature and Creative Writing programs sound amazing, but there's also a really good chance that both Trevor and I would be able to get tuition waivers and stipends that would make it possible for us not to have to work (except as TAs) all the way through Grad School, which would be a dream come true.

U of O was already beginning to sound pretty great when I stumbled upon the course listings for next Fall. I'm basically sold on U of O based on this class synopsis, and am determined to take a course from this professor if I do end up going to U of O:

"ENGL 579: Top C. Dickens. Stein, Richard.
Is Dickens the greatest Victorian novelist or the greatest novelist of all time? After 4-5 novels, you can decide for yourself. We'll read, we'll write, we'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll speak in Cockney accents. Some films may be shown. Tea will not be served."

I have never met this professor, yet I already love him.

"I'm All Alone (He's All Alone) I'm All Alone (Except For Me)"

Wren, Matt, and Sarah all went to Friday Harbor Labs for a three-day Biology lab field trip this weekend, which would have left Daryl and me alone at the house. However, Daryl had a swim meet in Spokane and then went to Sean's, so it was going to be just me in the house Friday-Sunday afternoon. Unhappy at that prospect, I invited Trevor to come keep me company. He was busy tonight, but he was here last night and this morning.

Eating Taco Bell for dinner and watching TV before work and seeing "Dan in Real Life" after it made work bearable yesterday, and having Denny's for breakfast this morning before work made today's shift good as well. "Dan in Real Life" is an amazing film and Steve Carrel's performance blew me away. It was really incredible and I'd highly recommend it. Getting to eat out twice saved me points at the SUB (which I'm running low on) and gave me a reprieve from my dissatisfaction with SUB food of late. All-in-all, it was an excellent twenty hours.

Since I've come home from work this evening I've been all alone (except for the six rats, of course) in the house, and it's very strange. I had soup for dinner and now I'll probably try to finish some reading before kicking back in front of the TV for the remainder of the evening. I can't imagine living alone, though I imagine it's easier in an apartment made for one person than in a good-sized house like this. I admire Trevor's fortitude in that respect.

Fall Break, in Name, not in Fact

It's the third day of my four days of Fall Break down in Olympia, and I've spent most of the break doing my 400+ pages of reading and working on my midterm (due Wednesday at 5:00). I'm glad I came down here, because it's been really nice to spend the time with Trevor, but I'm just aghast at all of the homework! At least this week will be short: only one day of class for me. But then I've got basically a month of not being able to come to Olympia to look forward to (I have a ton of shows to work every weekend until Thanksgiving). I'll survive--I suppose it's all part of being a Senior.

On the positive side: writing a paper with my 20" widescreen monitor on vertical orientation is amazing.

Hooray for Heroes tonight!

Note to self:

Do not take Lorazepam if you want to get anything done at all during your day besides marvel at how comfortable it is to curl up in your blanket and watch TV for hours on end.

Diagnosis

The CHWS shrink thinks that my General Anxiety Disorder is probably caused by a serotonin imbalance, so she's prescribed me something called Celexa (citalopram HBr), which is a "selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor" antidepressant. It's similar to Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, etc, but has far fewer side effects. Basically, it makes my brain give me more serotonin. Apparently it should help because when people are anxious or depressed, their brains have lower levels of serotonin than usual. The plan is to keep me on Celexa for five or six months, then wean me off around spring break and see how I do. I may need to periodically go on and off of the meds throughout my life depending on how bad the serotonin imbalance is (if that is in fact the problem).

Because it takes several weeks to feel the full effects of the meds, they've also given me a prescription for Lorazepam, which is an anti-anxiety medication that you take as needed. The hope is that it'll help kick me out of this three-week anxiety spree I've been having and allow me to function like a normal human being again until the long-term meds kick in. I can also use it as an emergency anti-anxiety solution in addition to the regular meds if I'm having a particularly anxious day or week. It can be habit-forming, so I'm not supposed to take it except when I need to.

Lastly, as a very short term fix, she gave me a sample of Ambien CR to help me get a night or two of quality sleep, which also might help kick me out of my current anxious episode.

Hopefully all of this works out. I'm going to endeavor to be optimistic because if this works, it could really improve my general quality of life simply because I can be relaxed and take things one at a time. In a best case scenario, it may solve my anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, and depressive episodes in one fell swoop. If not, I hope that at the very least I can take care of the anxiety and the insomnia.

Wish me luck!

Finally

I'm officially a Washington state resident!

I have a stupid temporary license for now, but soon I'll have my real license and voter's registration card, and then after my 21st birthday I can pay $10 to get the horizontal over-21 license if the vertical under-21 one is pissing me off. Woo!

In-state tuition for grad school, here I come!

Please...

...can I have my meds now?

"Psychotherapy, psychotherapy, psychotherapy that's what they wanna give me..."

As evidenced by the creation of and postings in this blog of late, my anxiety problems have reached an all-time high. After having realized that I haven't had an anxiety-free day and have been having nightmares and problems falling asleep for over two weeks, I decided it was time to return to the psychologist I saw a little under two years ago at CHWS (Campus Health and Wellness Services).

After speaking to me for a few minutes, it was clear to the psychologist that my anxiety problems have indeed gotten much worse, and though I've been handling them quite well, there's no change of them ever improving without medication. In fact, without medication, there's a significant chance that the General Anxiety Disorder I have could easily turn into an anxious depressive disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a panic disorder, or something equally destructive. She thinks starting an anxiety medication would greatly improve my quality of life with few or no side effects, so that pretty much sold me. I'm hesitant about becoming regularly medicated, but the alternatives are frightening and it really has been exhausting dealing with all of this crap when for all intents and purposes everything in my life is going great and there's nothing to be anxious about.

That being said, I've been referred to a psychiatrist (can prescribe meds, whereas psychologist cannot) for a medical evaluation ten days from now. I wish it were sooner, but there's only so much you can do when you get free psychiatric care from your school. If this psychiatrist agrees with my psychologist, I'll probably begin medication within the next month. I'm hoping it'll work as well as my psychologist seems to think it will, and that maybe by my birthday I'll be a significantly more well-adjusted person, though possibly slightly less interesting.

I want to live here during Grad school...

http://www.radfordcourt.com/apartment.htm
http://www.radfordcourt.com/floorplan_pdf/radford_1bed_nookloft.pdf

Lofts and study nooks! I'm so happy! It's the perfect solution to needing more room but not wanting to get a two-bedroom apartment!

Dude. Included: double-sink, washer and dryer, dishwasher, full bath, study nook, walk-in-closet, dining room, loft, parking space... Hooray!

Why am I thinking about things that are three years in the future?

One of these days I'll get back on a normal sleep schedule...

I should really sleep. I'm not afraid to sleep, I just can't seem to exhaust myself at nighttime. I shouldn't have napped today. But I stayed up too late talking to Trevor last night.

Had a wonderful weekend in Olympia. I love Comic House, and I'm going to miss it and my friends dearly after graduation, but there's something that feels very "right" about being in that apartment with Trevor. It's very full of comforts and possibilities and an optimistic uncertainty about the future. I don't really know how to explain it, but I hope I'll be able to spend a few happy years there.

Not really sure what the point of this post was. I really should sleep.

All In My Head?

I don't know what it is, but my heart has been racing every time I try to do something calm for almost the entirety of the day. I hate when this happens, because my body is telling me that there's something wrong when I know there isn't. Additionally, a racing heart means an inability to fully calm down ("You can't sleep--you're in danger!"), and therefore, insomnia.

So now I come to the usual dilemma: Lie in bed for an hour and try to calm down, fighting off ridiculous anxieties and fears, or get up and type in blog (check) and see if anyone else is still awake to hang out with. Matt has someone over (Sam, maybe?), but I'm not sure I want to hang out. Plus, staying up rarely makes me tired unless I do it for a few hours, by which time I've ensured that I won't get enough sleep and I'll be exhausted tomorrow. I'll probably end up staying up for a little bit to see if anyone is online. It's so hard to resign myself to lying in bed in silence. I can't listen to music or an audiobook when I'm in this state because I'll listen to it for hours without getting any sleepier. My attention span cannot be exhausted when I'm like this.

It has me a bit worried because I've been like this for maybe two weeks now, off and on, but mostly on. My sleep schedule has been off--maybe I'm fighting off the illness that's going around campus or something. I've been having vivid dreams every night for about that time period as well. Usually I get a week of vivid dreams at a time every now and then, and then they subside. This is the longest that kind of streak has run, in my recent memory at least. I worry that it's a sign that whatever anxiety disorder/abnormality I have is getting worse. I feel like a manic-depressive person without the depression. I just have normal and manic, and then the mania turns to neediness, loneliness, and paranoia. So I don't think I really get depressive spells, just "funks," where I'm down because I'm coming off being up. If that makes any sense.

I wish this blog were more entertaining. I just only seem to remember to write in it when I can't sleep.

Am I Superficial?

Happiness is the fact that "Heroes" is on tonight.

Midnight Ramblings

I don't know if I have insomnia or if I just don't want to sleep. I've been sort of manic (I dunno if I should use that word because I'm not sure if I'm actually manic-depressive or just have some sort of anxiety disorder that has depression attached, but I suppose for all intents and purposes it's like mania) for the past few days, and now I'm crashing. Not a really hard crash, but still, it's annoying. At least I don't have class tomorrow.

It's probably because it's senior year and I had to register for the GRE and everything, but I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Mostly about jobs, school, marriage even. I mean I don't intend to get married for a while, but it's still the next major thing on the horizon that's not school-related. Kids come to mind every now and then, but are usually easily dismissed. If my biological clock is ticking, it's doing so very quietly.

I suppose things just feel like they're coming to a close. There's a certain sense of resolution approaching like the kind you feel when you're almost at the end of a book. The story's not over, per se, but this volume of it soon will be. Everyone is 21 or soon will be, so the final stage of adulthood as far as the law is concerned has been achieved. Friends are deciding on grad programs or jobs and seriously thinking about specific careers. I'm not afraid of growing up; in fact, some part of me can't wait to take on the challenges of true adulthood. But yet, it's hard to fully comprehend the fact that I will never be living under the same roof as these people again, never living on this campus (unless I work for this school), etc. I suppose everyone feels this way at this time. Part of me still doesn't comprehend the fact that I'll never be in London with the people I was there with again. I may never see my host family again. Hell, I may never return to London, though I intend to.

These thoughts are always there, but at times they rush at my consciousness all at once so that I become a (trite simile) deer in the headlights, frozen in the face of so many possibilities.

All for now. Sleep will come soon.

New Hair

ShortBlueHair
Originally uploaded by rantelwolfrider

For those of you haven't seen it (or a decent picture of it) yet, here's a pic of my new haircut and color. Cut by Attitudes Salon, color by Wren (Special Effects Electric Blue), photo by Wren.

It's not as waxy and/or fluffy as I can get it, but I think that's a good view of it when it's somewhat tamed.

P.S. I despise the new Flickr.

I No Longer Hate Charles Dickens

"His hat presents at the rims a peculiar appearance of a glistening nature, as if it had been a favorite snail-promenade."

Bleak House, 297.

Observations During Dictation

"The dragon now knows how to spell 'dickery.'"

Murphy's Law

Of course I had to wake up feeling crappy on one of the two days of class I have a week. Especially since it's technically my Monday today. On the bright side, I've gotten a good chunk of Thursday's homework done already. Now I just need to buckle down and read like 40 more pages of "Northanger Abbey" and 50 of "Bleak House" before Thursday. I should be able to do it tonight and tomorrow night, and I'll have to because Wren and I will be spending the majority of our Wednesday getting our respective hair cut and then bleaching and dyeing it ourselves, which is a very time-consuming process.

I must make myself look presentable for my last day of yucky hair (hopefully). Day: Lunch 11:30-12:20, Class 12:30-4:50, Meeting 5:00-5:50(?), Dinner 6:00-7:00, Reading till bed.

Shouldn't I be in class?

It's Monday morning and my mind hasn't yet grasped the fact that I only have class twice a week. I have the constant nervous feeling that I should be somewhere, though I know I have nothing to do today besides read, eat lunch, read, eat dinner, read, go to work, and read.

The Teach For America people are bugging me persistently, convinced that I'm the perfect candidate for their program. They obviously don't know me very well. I've tried explaining to them that though I won a leadership award, I won it with four other people, and that I'm really not all that great at leading on my own. I'm also really only good at leading peers, not children, much less low-income children. How well do you think a twenty-something 5'4" skinny white girl would fare in that kind of situation? I'd go "English is cool!" and then all of the kids would walk out of the classroom and I'd have on idea what to do. Plus, how many low-income area schools do you think are in Olympia? Probably none. I really don't want to move to south Tacoma or Seattle and give up (yet again) living with Trevor in the amazing apartment in Olympia so that I can get eaten alive by elementary school kids. And yet now I'm going to feel guilty because for all I know this is some sign from God that teaching poor kids is my calling in life. Wren says God should do something more obvious, like dropping a pile of Teach For America fliers onto my head from On High.

Wren and I have gotten through one week of our new exercise regimen successfully, so hopefully that's a good sign and a reason to hope for continued success. Now that the 24-Hour Fitness in Olympia is open, Wren and Trevor and I can race our way into good health. We're calling you out, Trevor! Granted, 20 minutes of speed walking four mornings a week isn't a ton of exercise, but it's something, and if it's consistent, it'll produce results.

Time to get cleaned, get fed, and get read (past tense).

In the Light

I have no motivation to go down to breakfast today (except my growling stomach) after yesterday's waffle incident. There was no whipped cream--the scandal! However, I shall overcome.

Wren works till 4:00, which means I need to get some serious reading done before she gets home. The life of an English Major is structured to try to make us hate the thing we love.

I feel significantly better today, though my mood wasn't helped by strange dreams. Every now and then I get a week-long stretch of vivid dreams and nightmares. I think it's a cyclical thing, but I can't decide what determines the cycle. Last night I had a dream about a girl that Trevor calls "Poison Sarah" (no relation to Comic House Sarah). I mean, the dream wasn't about her specifically, but she played a significant part in it. I dreamt that I came home from London and while I had been gone, Trevor had been sort of seeing this girl. It wasn't a serious thing, and it wasn't clear in the dream whether or not it had been romantic at all, I just knew they had spent a lot of time together. Everyone seemed to think this was a perfectly normal thing, and even I seemed not to be too bothered about it. I just remember coming home to our apartment (which in the dream looked nothing like our apartment in real life) and finding Sarah's books on the shelves, and mementos of the time they had spent together while I was gone. I don't really know how I feel about it yet, besides unsettled, but a lot of my dreams make me feel that way.

Time to give in to the call of breakfast. I don't think I'll be risking a waffle today or the disappointment that might come with it.

Introductions and Reflections

Disclaimer: Written under influence of insomnia, anxiety, and a smidgen of caffeine.

I'm starting up this blog for a number of reasons, including but not limited to the following (in no particular order): 1) I haven't been writing in my journal, 2) No one reads my Xanga anymore, 3) Facebook is not conducive to serious blogging, 4) Wren suggested it, 5) I need an outlet.

It's 1:40 AM and I'm not asleep, but thankfully tomorrow is Sunday. Sunday will be spent doing chores and reading and putting up posters and reading and trying to cheer the fuck up and, of course, reading. I've been in a random funk all day, which pisses me off because Trevor was visiting and most of the housemates were here and it should've been a wonderful time. It still was a wonderful time, but I didn't want to spend any of it being a mopey little whiner. This is a really stupid thing, but Wren's newfound stability throws my occasional irrationality into stark contrast (at least in my mind). No offense whatsoever toward Wren is intended by this, it was just a weird thing I thought of today. I don't really know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound bad. I just mean that I suppose it just makes me wonder what it would be like to fully understand that the way I feel today isn't really a part of who I am.

During my 3.5 months in London I had maybe one or two days like this, and they were mild. It was the strangest and most wonderful thing, but I know it was only because I was constantly busy and excited. I basically just exhausted all mania and worry and distracted myself from all depression. I'm making it sound like I think I'm bipolar, but I think I just have an anxiety disorder that presents itself as mania, and the depression is either an aftereffect of crashing from an overanxious bought or something completely separate that I inherited from my father. And I feel stupid for seeming so melodramatic about the whole ordeal because as far as emotional disorders go, mine really aren't that severe. And I'm going to keep going around in circles like this if I don't stop myself.

I hope that most of my posts won't be like this, though some probably will. My writing should be noticeably improved in other posts, as it's almost 2:00 and I'm not really in my best form.

I'm grateful daily for the love of those who forgive my self-indulgences, alleviate my distresses, and appreciate my eccentricities. These people are comforts in a life that is clearly already so full of blessings as to be undeserving of more. I hope that somehow I can even the balance, if only slightly, by returning some comfort to them.

Next time: less cryptic, more Maddo.