Introductions and Reflections

Disclaimer: Written under influence of insomnia, anxiety, and a smidgen of caffeine.

I'm starting up this blog for a number of reasons, including but not limited to the following (in no particular order): 1) I haven't been writing in my journal, 2) No one reads my Xanga anymore, 3) Facebook is not conducive to serious blogging, 4) Wren suggested it, 5) I need an outlet.

It's 1:40 AM and I'm not asleep, but thankfully tomorrow is Sunday. Sunday will be spent doing chores and reading and putting up posters and reading and trying to cheer the fuck up and, of course, reading. I've been in a random funk all day, which pisses me off because Trevor was visiting and most of the housemates were here and it should've been a wonderful time. It still was a wonderful time, but I didn't want to spend any of it being a mopey little whiner. This is a really stupid thing, but Wren's newfound stability throws my occasional irrationality into stark contrast (at least in my mind). No offense whatsoever toward Wren is intended by this, it was just a weird thing I thought of today. I don't really know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound bad. I just mean that I suppose it just makes me wonder what it would be like to fully understand that the way I feel today isn't really a part of who I am.

During my 3.5 months in London I had maybe one or two days like this, and they were mild. It was the strangest and most wonderful thing, but I know it was only because I was constantly busy and excited. I basically just exhausted all mania and worry and distracted myself from all depression. I'm making it sound like I think I'm bipolar, but I think I just have an anxiety disorder that presents itself as mania, and the depression is either an aftereffect of crashing from an overanxious bought or something completely separate that I inherited from my father. And I feel stupid for seeming so melodramatic about the whole ordeal because as far as emotional disorders go, mine really aren't that severe. And I'm going to keep going around in circles like this if I don't stop myself.

I hope that most of my posts won't be like this, though some probably will. My writing should be noticeably improved in other posts, as it's almost 2:00 and I'm not really in my best form.

I'm grateful daily for the love of those who forgive my self-indulgences, alleviate my distresses, and appreciate my eccentricities. These people are comforts in a life that is clearly already so full of blessings as to be undeserving of more. I hope that somehow I can even the balance, if only slightly, by returning some comfort to them.

Next time: less cryptic, more Maddo.