Everything I Need to Know About Love I Learned From "Twilight"

How to tell if a vampire is in love with you:

• He thinks you smell really good. No, seriously. He recoils at how good you smell.
• He can't read your mind for reasons that are never explained.
• He shows you his sparkly chest.
• He saves you from another vampire who had evil intentions.
  
• He saves you from a gang of Port Angeles roughnecks who had evil intentions.
• Hell, he saves you from a van that had evil intentions.
• He watches you sleep every night without your knowledge and when he tells you, you don't find that creepy.
  
• He wants to eat you.
• He doesn't want to turn you into a vampire.
• He's like totally going to be with you until you die of old age.

Somebody gag me.